A 70 year old woman who’s been struggling with traditional dating shared some of her bad dating experiences with us. Her concerns mostly centered around the part she played in her bad dates.
Here’s how she responded to our Share Your Mature Dating Stories resource.
What are you looking for in dating?
all the bells and whistles (romantic love with your soulmate)
not sure what I want.
Describe one (or more) of your BEST dating experiences
When I wasn’t realising I was actually dating . I was just talking to someone I met in a walking group over coffee. No expectations. No jitters because I was just talking
Describe one (or more) of your WORST dating experiences.
Going to a pub with someone to catch up with his friends over drinks and nibbles .I wasn’t introduced to anyone. The talk was about people I didn’t know and I was not included in the conversation anyway .
What things do you like and dislike about online dating sites?
I am just too nervous to go on one as I feel most men are after sex or money and are probably messed up and unhappy.
How have our articles and information on Smart Dating Over 60 helped you?
It is very interesting to read that people actually do meet after 60. It is also helpful to read about what to do and what not to do.
Which of our articles have been most helpful or were your favorites?
Most articles have been helpful . Well written and easy to read. Advice is practical. I like that you point out how you need to love yourself. This is so hard for me as I have been traumatised by my relationships.
What topics would you like to see us write about on Smart Dating Over 60?
- How to love yourself when past relationships have traumatised you. I wonder whether I unknowingly attract a particular type of man that ends up controlling me emotionally.
- How to know yourself.
- How to know what you want.
Anything else about dating you would like to tell us?
I find that after 12 years of being on my own I am frightened to reach out for new things especially dating.
My past experiences were very bad . The last one especially left me a psychological wreck.
I wonder if being alone is better than being hurt. I feel incredibly lonely but also very scared.
Here are some thoughts on her experiences and concerns
One of the things she mentioned wanting to read about on Smart Dating Over 60 is “How to know what you want”.
I’ve written about this in my post, How to Find Your Ideal Partner.
First and foremost, that involves putting thought into what you do and don’t want in that person, including absolute deal breakers and things you’d rather they didn’t have or do, but you could tolerate.
Sitting down and actually creating a list of these things is the best approach. The act of writing things out can help prompt you to dig more deeply.
Our Mature Dating Game Plan will help tremendously.
How to love yourself
I’m struck by her mentioning, more than once, that she needs to learn how to love herself.
I believe that healthy and successful dating begins with loving yourself.
Without it, you’re likely to repeat dating patterns that may stem from some kind of early trauma.
You may be locked into your attraction to the wrong kind of people, whether when dating or in other aspects of every day life.
One aspect of self-love troubling many women is body image problems, which can have a major impact on your satisfaction with dating.
By no means is this the only thing that may be making it difficult for you and others to love yourself, but it’s something that needs looking at.
Here are a few remedies I mentioned in a previous post on women and body image issues:
- Tell yourself at least once a day that you’re beautiful, sexy and desirable. I mean, say it out loud. Verbalizing is very empowering.
- Stop saying negative things about your body and, when you find yourself thinking them, do your best to nip the thought in the bud.
- Stand naked (yes, naked) in front of a full-length mirror. Notice and say out loud how beautiful your body is.
- Embrace who you are. Literally hug yourself.
In general, instead of dwelling on what you think is wrong with your body, remind yourself that your body houses “you” and all that you are. Think about how well your body performs for you.
In terms of loving the kind of person you are, beyond the physical, what’s been helpful to me is to understand that we all differ in various ways.
We’re all different emotionally, based on so many factors and things we’ve lived through.
There’s no one right or wrong way for us to be.
- We all have some bad habits that don’t serve us well, but we can look at them and try to improve.
- We all make poor decisions from time to time, but we can learn from them.
- We may have difficulties with some things that come easily to others, but the same goes for them. Some things may come easily to us that are difficult for them.
Are you looking inward to stop having those bad dates?
Cosmo wrote about his relationship turning point, once he understood he was attracting people who were bad for him.
“My moment of clarity came after about a year of work with my last therapist. (I’m a slow learner when it comes to relationships!)
She asked me to list the major events in my life. No qualifiers, just list anything that came to mind.
Aside from a handful of good family and business events, I had a lengthy list of troubling events.
If you’ve ever been through therapy, you know it’s hard to shock a therapist. Yet as I read through my list, I watched her jaw drop in astonishment. (I don’t think she meant to do that, either.)
I won’t reveal the details of all the events here because I want to preserve all the players’ anonymity. The problem was, all these things I considered normal were toxic to me and in no way allowed for healthy relationships.
At one point as we talked about the events, I instantly saw the pattern that wove its way through nearly every personal interaction for as far back as I could remember.
I could finally see how my relationship problems evolved and why they continued.”
He came to understand that he was attracted to the kind of people and situations he wanted to escape since childhood.
His subconscious programming drove him into dysfunctional relationships so he could right the wrongs that happened in his childhood.
What’s an important thing you can do to avoid bad dates?
Above all, I believe kindness rules with dating.
Unless someone is abusing or harming you, treat them with kindness.
If things aren’t going well on a date, you’re not obligated to stay. (This is one reason why coffee dates for first dates are best. You can easily leave.
You can always say something like:
“This isn’t working out for me. I’m going to go now.”
I believe she’s on the right track thinking that she’s attracted to the wrong kind of men.
That was the case for me, when I first started dating after my divorce. Luckily, I saw what I was doing wrong and worked on changing my mindset.
I realized I had to switch off my near magnetic attraction to men who were overly sarcastic, dismissive and otherwise put up a wall that kept them from truly engaging with me, and made them likely poor at relationships.
I wrote about my dating turnaround in the post, How Online Dating After 60 Led Me To Find True Love Twice.
Online dating is worth the effort
No doubt about it, dating can be challenging and I understand her hesitancy to try online dating. I felt the same way until I realized that it offers a much greater pool of people to date than traditional dating alone does.
And once you start doing it for a bit, and with precautions, it’s not so scary. Take a look at our Online Dating Safety Checklist.
In fact, women especially should follow these guidelines for traditional dating, too. If you haven’t met your date through someone you know well who knows your date well, that person is just as much a stranger to you as someone you meet on a dating site.
Besides increasing the odds, using the dating sites and dating more often is great practice and can help you understand what kind of person will be right for you.
Another thing: I think one of the keys to minimizing the impact of bad dates is to weed out the people not right for you as early in the game as possible.
Take, for instance, the guys who feel the need to constantly swear on dates. This was a big turnoff for me, especially on first dates when people are typically on their best behavior. What will they be like further down the road, once they’re not trying to impress you?
I read something in an article that points to what bothers me about excessive swearing. (By the way, I enjoy swearing from time to time for emphasis, but in moderation, and not with someone I just met or barely know.)
“Compulsive vulgarity — talking dreck all the time — gives evidence of a troubled view of life and spreads it. Nasty language is a black-magic wand. When you touch it to a person, place or thing, you perform an act of mild (and sometimes not so mild) denigration. When you use everyone’s favorite vulgar word to denote the sexual act, you reduce the act. You gut the spirit life out of it. With profanity, you denigrate what you feel is overvalued. You try to cut it down to size. Granted, some things do need to be cut down. Some people could use a dose of vulgar chastening.
But not everyone and not everything and (most important) not all the time. A sprinkle of salt gives your dinner savor; a handful kills it. When you curse compulsively you produce a view of the world that’s smaller and meaner.”
More dating red flags to watch out for
Other behaviors you’ll probably be able to spot on first or second dates are things she mentioned in her responses.
And there are a whole host of off-putting things people on first dates can say and do that you should pay attention to, like:
- Talking about sexual preferences or sex at all
- Saying something judgmental or insulting to your date
- Treating wait staff (or anyone else) poorly
- Telling crude or suggestive jokes
- Talking politics, especially in an aggressive way
Perhaps an easy way to “see” red flags early on in dating people is to make a few notes on your dates’ bad behavior, right after first dates.
- What did you like about them?
- What did you dislike about them? Which of those things are deal breakers for you?
- What behaviors of yours could you have changed to make it a better dating experience?
This could help you see what part you’re playing in your bad dating experiences.