What is crazy love?
If you think it’s the “you’re my soulmate forever” kind of love, where everything (or most of it) works right in the relationship, you’re thinking of GOOD crazy love.
But let’s talk about BAD crazy love. The kind that sometimes feels really good, but is actually toxic and dangerous.
A story is playing out in the news right now.
A 56-year-old female corrections officer in Alabama helped a 38-year-old male prison inmate escape.
Turns out not surprisingly, that their relationship spanned several years. She had been in contact with him at a state prison a few years prior to the escape.
This guy is a real charmer who was
“Serving a 75-year sentence for a number of violent crimes and also has been charged with capital murder in the stabbing death of a 58-year-old woman.”
Apparently the escape had been well planned and thought out.
How likely do you think it is that he really cared about her, beyond her ability to get (and keep) him out of prison?
UPDATE: The day after I wrote this article, the couple was found several states away. As law enforcement closed in on them, the corrections officer used her handgun to take her own life.
The stunning thing is, this kind of crazy love is not unusual.
I’m sure you’ve heard similar stories over the years, because it happens so frequently.
Some women go way over the edge for what they think is true love.
To be fair, men also do crazy things to hang on to a bad relationship when they’re in love, but not nearly to the extent that women seem to do. Some women are quite willing to break the law for their men.
That’s an extreme, but there are many women who don’t knowingly break the law, but end up on the wrong side of the law due to circumstances involving their man.
For instance, she gets arrested along with him because he was carrying or selling drugs. She didn’t know anything about it, but because she was in the getaway car, she was also culpable.
She may have been an unwitting victim but nevertheless it’s likely she knew he was up to some no-good behaviors, but stayed with him anyway.
To these women, the relationship is so important, nothing else really matters. They lose any common sense they may have had and can’t see who the man really is. And they can’t see that these men will make terrible partners.
Some women fall in love with serial killers and defend them to the end.
There are many stories of women falling for imprisoned serial killers.
What is driving such women? According to Psychology Today:
“Women who have married serial killers have given several different reasons. Some believe they can change a man as cruel and powerful as a serial killer. Others “see” the little boy that the killer once was and seek to nurture him. A few hoped to share in the media spotlight or get a book or movie deal.
Then there’s the notion of the “perfect boyfriend.” She knows where he is at all times and she knows he’s thinking about her. While she can claim that someone loves her, she does not have to endure the day-to-day issues involved in most relationships. There’s no laundry to do, no cooking for him, and no accountability to him. She can keep the fantasy charged up for a long time.”
Although most of us can’t make sense of such relationships:
“Some theorists have hypothesized a biological impetus that operates apart from logic. Primate research finds that females prefer the larger, louder, more aggressive males who show clear markers of their maleness. In humans, then, certain women might sense in an aggressive male a larger-than-life companion who can deliver more than an ordinary man could. Through him, she subconsciously perceives, she gains status and protection.”
Is It Crazy Love or a Toxic Relationship?
To a lesser extreme, both men and women may find themselves in a toxic relationship. Although it may not be called “crazy love” and there may not be any law-breaking involved, it’s not a healthy relationship. And it’s fraying at the seams and causing much distress.
Do you see yourself in any of these 14 signs of a toxic relationship outlined in a Healthline article, or is your relationship heading in this direction?:
- Lack of mutual support
- Toxic, unkind communication
- Extreme envy or jealousy
- Controlling behaviors
- Resentment and holding grudges
- Repeated dishonesty
- Patterns of disrespect
- Negative financial behaviors
- Constant stress related to the relationship
- Ignoring your own needs
- Lost relationships with others important to you
- Lack of self-care
- Hanging in there and hoping for change
- Walking on eggshells
Some toxic relationships are the result of partnering with a narcissist. These relationships are also doomed because people with this disorder are not capable of changing.
And, of course, there are relationships that devolve into physical abuse. No question, those relationships need to be ended right away. One strike almost always leads to other, more escalated violence.
Can a Crazy-Love or Toxic Relationship Be Healed?
It’s doubtful that extreme crazy-love relationships, the kind that involve things like marrying a serial killer, can be healed.
They’re likely doomed to fizzle out, end abruptly or lead to one or both people being sent to prison, or worse.
But less extreme toxic relationships can be healed.
First and foremost, you both truly have to want to fix things for it to work.
According to the same Healthline article, the following signs indicate that you may be able to work things out:
- Acceptance of responsibility
- Willingness to invest in making things better
- Shift from blaming to understanding
- Openness to outside help
It will take time to heal such a relationship. The trust needed to turn things around will only happen with repeated good behaviors to tamp down the past bad ones.
Are You in a Healthy Relationship?
Put your relationship to the test. Take our easy interactive quiz, Am I in a Healthy Relationship?, to help you judge the quality of your relationship.
And, you can anonymously share your dating stories (good, bad and mediocre). Doing so can help you recognize bad patterns you may have fallen into.