“It takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, and a day to love them, but it takes an entire lifetime to forget them.” —Anonymous
When you’ve lost a loved one, the pain and loneliness may be so great that you dive too quickly into a new relationship.
When you’re over 60, your children are probably out of the house. You may be suddenly all alone, rattling around an empty house and feeling acutely lonely.
Having a new partner, someone special in your life again, is a comfort . . . even just being physically close in a non-sexual way to another human being.
Without even realizing it, you may be driven by an overwhelming need to quickly replace the loved one you lost with someone new.
But diving into a new relationship right away interferes with the grieving process.
Losing your life partner is, of course, a highly emotional time and a difficult life transition that should be dealt with carefully, without having to tend to a new partner at the same time.
Conversely, you may be so grief-stricken that you feel you never want to date again . . . you’ll never find someone you will love as much as your late partner. And you may wonder whether it’s even worth the effort.
So you hesitate even trying, although you’d really like to have love and romance with a life partner again. You know how great it can be.
I jumped into dating too soon after widowhood.
I thought I was ready 6 months after Sam died. Actually, I thought I was ready 3 months after he died. Even so, I made myself wait another 3 months to actually start dating.
At 61, I felt an urgency to get into another lasting, loving relationship as soon as possible. Looking back, I can see that I was kind of desperate.
This was the tipoff that I wasn’t ready to date again: The fact that I had recently lost Sam was still the main driving force in my life. I thought about him all the time. I was often on the verge of tears at the slightest provocation or mention or thought of him.
I guess I thought a new partner would help ease the pain, but of course I wasn’t really open to letting someone else in fully.
Sam was so much in my thoughts that I had an almost uncontrollable need to tell first dates right away about him.
That’s not at all a good way to open a conversation with a potential life partner.
Similarly, I had a few dating experiences with widowers who were not ready to date. They tended to go on too much with comparisons between me and their late wives.
I remember the online dating profile of one man who took it even further.
He stated in his profile that he had lost his wife within the past few months. He would only date women who fit a very specific list of criteria that represented the lifestyle he had with his wife . . . including the same profession, the same kinds of exotic travel choices, same hair color and other physical characteristics. Kind of creepy.
Are widows and widowers just bad dating material?
If you’ve been reading dating advice, you may have noticed that the pervasive opinion on whether to date widows and widowers at all is a great big “NO”, which is very unfortunate.
I hope you don’t take that to heart, because it’s just plain foolish to rule out such a large chunk of potential partners.
They could well be the perfect partner, especially if they had a healthy relationship. They’ll know how to be a good partner and how to maintain a good relationship.
But I do think you should proceed cautiously with someone who has recently lost their loved one (through death OR through a bad breakup). Some people are ready to date sooner than others.
Feel it out and be sure they’re not dwelling in the past and looking to replicate their loved one.
If you’re on the fence about whether you’re ready to date after widowhood.
A Huffington Post article offered wise advice from author and widow Kristine Carlson about getting into dating after losing your spouse or life partner, including:
1. Let yourself be complete and whole
To attract a healthy relationship, you have to be healthy yourself.
2. Let the first relationships you have be the transitions that they are
The first relationship after widowhood will help you heal, but it probably shouldn’t be a long-term relationship.
3. Don’t try to live by anyone else’s rules
Don’t do what others say you should be doing. Do what’s right for you to heal.
4. Give yourself permission to partake
Feelings of guilt and betraying your loved one can keep you from participating. Let yourself live your new life.
5. Don’t take on the role of victim
Put the need to be pitied behind you and move forward. Choose to live your life.
Loving your late spouse or partner while making room for your new love.
In the Psychology Today article, Love After Death: The Widow’s Romantic Predicaments (I love both my late husband and the new guy), Aaron Ben-Zeév Ph.D., an expert in the study of emotions, discusses three circumstances:
1. Adapting to a new love while still loving the late spouse
“Although a new love might physically replace the previous one, from a psychological viewpoint, the widow will now love two people at the same time. Her love expresses the nonexclusive nature of love more than it does its replaceable nature. It seems that we are blessed with a heart that is very flexible and can accommodate various people at the same time.”
2. Tending to avoid a new marriage or relationship, as it doesn’t seem worth the effort
He cites a widow who says, “The difficulties in falling in love again have usually nothing to do with a profound love for the late husband, but to other reasons, such as mental and physical fatigue, the attitudes of children and friends, the joy of being independent and free to do whatever you like, reading at the middle of the night, not needing to cook every week, having sex only when you really want it, and not willing to get used to a new person with his wishes and oddities. The heart may include this person, but the question is whether it is worth the effort.”
3. Falling in love with someone else almost immediately
The questions arise, “what is the proper duration of grieving, whether and when to take off the ring, when to begin dating, when to give away his clothes, which clothes to wear in various circumstances, what and how often to talk about the past, and what loving behavior toward the new lover should be shown in public.”
Concerning how long to wait before dating, he says, “There is no acceptable norm in this regard: in some traditions, a year is the norm; in others it may be longer or shorter.”
How to move forward and into a new loving relationship.
In an AARP article, sociologist and sexologist Dr. Pepper Schwartz (@pepperschwartz – https://twitter.com/pepperschwartz) offers suggestions on easing into the dating scene after widowhood:
1. Purge the guilt.
She advises putting aside feelings of betraying your loved one, “Cherish your old relationship, but don’t let it sabotage your prospects of forging a new one.”
2. Tell your story (but carefully).
Who you are goes beyond being a widow or widower. Share your authentic self, but be selective about what you share initially. And avoid over-reminiscing about your lost love. It may make others feel left out and uncomfortable.
3. Define your desires.
Think about what kind of relationship you want going forward. You’re probably in a different stage of life now, than you were when you first met your loved one. Your needs and life style are probably different.
4. Take stock and retool.
Because you were settled in a comfortable relationship for however many years, you may have let your appearance slide. It may be time for some kind of makeover.
5. Make a connection.
Dip your toes into the dating pool. Ask those you know to suggest anyone they think you’d be interested in meeting. They may be anxious to fix you up, but worried they’ll offend you. And don’t rule out online dating sites. Most of the single people over 50, 60 and beyond who are looking for love, are on these sites.
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I wish you great success in the dating game!