You may not be having much luck with dating because you have unreasonable online dating expectations.
Or you may shy away from online dating entirely because you’re fearful, or it feels too impersonal a way to find romance.
You may think that only losers and scammers are on these sites.
But you’d be wrong.
Plenty of good people just like you are there, looking for someone special.
But proceed with some caution.
Adding to my previous post, 3 Signs You Need to Lower Your Online Dating Expectations, I’m suggesting 2 more notions about online dating that may keep you from finding true love using these sites.
2 Ways Your Online Dating Expectations May Be Unrealistic
We recommend joining 3-4 dating sites.
The top dating site favored by our readers is eHarmony. It’s popular because it uses an in-depth questionnaire to match people according to compatibility.
A few other sites dedicated to senior singles include:
Silver Singles is a dating site dedicated to singles over fifty. They include a personality test to help match you with your ideal partner.
Senior Match is a dating site that focuses on singles over fifty and doesn’t allow members under forty.
AgeMatch for singles who prefer an age gap in their partners, whether it’s younger or older.
And take a look at our Top 10 Best Online Dating Sites for Over 60: How To Choose and Use Them.
1. You expect online dating sites to send you good matches
If you’ve spent even a few weeks on any online dating site, you know they often send you matches that are all wrong for you, for various reasons.
It happened to me all the time.
I’m not a drinker or smoker, and noted on my profiles that I didn’t want to be matched with men who were either. But I got plenty of matches with drinkers and smokers.
Dating sites have an explanation for their poor matching attempts.
They say they want you to break free from your notions of who is right for you. They want you to experiment and date people you may not initially go for. True love may not be packaged just the way you expect and hope for.
Granted, you should have an open mind about some things, like appearance, hobbies and interests.
But wouldn’t it be foolish (and a waste of time for everyone) if I had gone on dates with the men I was matched with who drank and/or smoked? I could never have a lasting relationship with them.
Here’s something you may not have thought of:
From the dating sites’ point of view, if you find your ideal partner right away, they’re out a lot of potential revenue.
They make millions of dollars from people who renew every month because they still haven’t found the right one. It’s in their best interest to keep you there, regularly renewing your membership.
The best way to circumvent the bad matches they send you? Be proactive.
I learned pretty quick that I shouldn’t sit back and wait for these sites to find matches for me.
Sure, pay attention to the matches they send you, but don’t feel compelled to stick with just those recommendations. Go in search yourself. I had much better luck that way.
And there’s something about reviewing lots of dating profiles.
Sure, it may be tedious and time-consuming but, for me (someone who hadn’t dated in decades), it gave me the opportunity to get a handle on what men my age were like. That helped me date better.
Dating is a kind of learning process. You learn things about what you want in a partner, and you also learn lots about yourself and what kind of person you are.
Determine what kind of people will be a good match for you, and regularly troll the sites you belong to, looking at profiles.
Especially keep an eye out for new members and, if they seem like a possibility, reach out to them real fast. That tactic helped me start my relationship with Cosmo.
2. You expect that a long, getting-to-know-each-other period . . . before you meet in person . . . will seal the deal
I can tell you from experience that people can come off very well in their online profile and by text, IM, email and even by phone . . . but then can present in person as an entirely different person.
Sometimes their online profiles and written communications with you aren’t written by them. They have someone helping them. So, when you meet them, they can barely string the words together to have a conversation.
In my preceding post noted above, I touched on the pervasiveness of lying on online dating profiles. You have to expect that lots of people are stretching the truth or blatantly fabricating.
I remember several times on first dates having a hard time recognizing my date because he looked nothing like his profile photos.
Some other times, my first dates confessed that they didn’t actually do the things they said they did in their profiles.
In a Psychology Today article, Ryan Anderson noted a study of more than a thousand US and UK online daters, which found:
“A total of 53% of US participants admitted to having lied in their online dating profile. Women apparently lied more than men, with the most common dishonesties being about looks. Over 20% of women posted photos of their younger selves.
But men were only marginally better. Their most common lies revolved around their financial situation, specifically, about having a better job (financially) than they actually do. More than 40% of men indicated that they did this, but the tactic was also employed by nearly a third of women.”
My experience with online dating expectations vs. reality
A few times in my dating life, I spent several weeks getting to know a man by email and phone, and felt very encouraged about them, going into our first meeting.
We’d meet and things were sour right off the bat. I could tell he didn’t like me (usually because he avoided making much eye contact) or I was turned off by him. Everything fell flat for various reasons.
On one particularly problematic first date – in fact the worst first date I ever had – the man was visibly displeased with me from the moment I approached him.
This was surprising because my profile photos were very recent and very accurately depicted what I looked like.
Things kept getting worse as the evening progressed, reaffirming, in part, that I had made a big mistake by going on a dinner date first date, instead of just for coffee, as I usually did.
We had to stick it out until the meal ended and the check came.
But of course, appearance isn’t everything.
One way to circumvent the problem of being surprised by how your date actually looks vs. what their profile photos look like is to have a video date before meeting in person.
Besides appearance, you can pick up a lot of verbal cues about someone in a video chat.
Too much communication before a first date can be a problem
A huffington Post article described a study citing an online dating “tipping point”:
Too much online communication before a first date causes a person to idealize someone they’re interacting with prior to actually meeting them face to face.
This, naturally, leads to a letdown upon meeting someone who doesn’t match lofty expectations. That tipping point occurs after 17 to 23 days, according to the researchers, so you don’t want to wait longer than that to pencil in a get together.”
The lead researcher in the study, Artemio Ramirez, Jr, also noted that people communicate differently online than they do in person, which can add to the disappointment when you meet in person.
“Essentially, too much online interaction makes you think you know a person better. Plus, even if someone isn’t lying in their profile, people aren’t the sum of their favorite books, movies and music, so there’s only so much one can glean from such limited data.
But since it’s natural for online daters to read between the lines and assign additional characteristics to prospective partners, the real person that meets them on that first coffee or movie date may not live up to their expectations, particularly if they’ve had too much time to craft a ‘dream’ version of the person.
Stay motivated and avoid getting discouraged by your online dating expectations
You may not want to hear that you need to lower your expectations with each date, and be willing to go on plenty of first dates.
But each new first date holds the potential of finding “the one”.
Although it’s a difficult concept to embrace, expect to do a lot of dating and expect some of it may not be entirely pleasant. Assume you’ll have your share of bad first dates.
It’s not the end of the world. It’s just one date, that you’ll learn and grow from.
After all I went through with bad first dates and some pretty horrible men I dated, I still recommend online dating without reservation. There’s such a vast pool of potential partners there, it just makes sense to keep your toes in that pool.
More About Dating Over 60 and First Dates
Two Secret Weapons for Great First Dates
What Is a Soulmate and Why Is It So Hard To Find One?
5 Funny Worst Date Stories from the Boomers’ Favorite Sitcom Characters
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