How Will I Know If I’ve Found True Love?

If you’re dating now, you’re either single, widowed, divorced, separated . . . or married and cheating on your spouse. Are you looking for true love?

If you’re widowed, did you have a happy relationship with them? If so, you’re in a much better position to know true love when you find it again, and my advice here may be nothing new to you, but please read on anyway.

If you’re single, you may never have been in a long term relationship at all. Even over age 60, this can happen. It this describes you, and you feel ready for the “real thing”, my advice will definitely help you.

For everyone else except the cheaters (they’re in a class by themselves), chances are you’re getting into dating coming off a bad relationship. And maybe you’ve never been in a happy, healthy romantic relationship.

Until I met Sam when I was 57, I hadn’t either.

Are you like I was, coming from only bad relationship experiences?

You may have a hard time knowing what a good relationship looks and feels like.

I had been with my ex-husband for 30 years in what turned out to be a disastrous marriage. He was (and probably still is) a textbook narcissist and serial cheater who abruptly, and without notice, walked out on me once he realized I was on to him.

If you’ve been tangled up with someone like him, you know how confusing and painful you’re left feeling. I imagine many of you have experienced similar devastation.

He eroded my self-esteem, my hard-wired ability to distinguish right from wrong, and my ability to trust (myself and others).

It took several years for me to even consider wanting to date again. I spent some time hating men in general. I spent plenty of time healing, and trying to figure out who I was and how I let that happen to me.

Things turned around for me almost in an instant.

Once I got serious about finding a life partner, I knew I had to use dating sites to find him.

Living in a rural area, the dating pool was limited. I had tried traditional dating methods and nothing came of it

Then I met Sam on a dating site. By that time I was in good shape emotionally. I was happy enough being alone, but I very much wanted a man in my life.

Sadly, Sam died suddenly after 3 years, but he gave me the greatest gift. Through him I learned how a good relationship worked . . . what I had to be and do, and what the man had to be and do.

Because of him, I knew that when I was ready to date again, I would know just what to look for in another man.

After Sam died and I took time to grieve, the year and a half of online dating it took me to find Cosmo was often a drudge.

I knew what I wanted, I knew he was out there somewhere . . . but would I ever find him? And when I found him, would he know what he wanted and know that I was the one?

I was an experienced dater, and knew what I was doing, but . . .

You could say that having come from both a bad and a good relationship, I was experienced and well positioned to know who my ideal partner was.

This is true, but I wouldn’t have been fully primed if I didn’t have a dating game plan.

Getting there starts with knowing yourself so you’re better equipped to identify who your ideal partner is.

I think too many people go into dating, and first dates in particular, with a check list of acceptable and unacceptable superficial things that don’t contribute to a long-lasting, happy relationship.

Conversely, some people fall in love too easily. Someone paying a little attention to them is enough to make them rush into sex too early, or marriage too early.

Don’t be fooled into thinking you’ve found true love, when it’s really something else.

If you think you’ve found true love because you’re wildly attracted to them or the sex is fantastic, stop and review what’s really going on. Those are the big, sometimes overpowering things that stir up our emotions and hormones, and can lead to seriously poor decision making.

They’re great things to have, but if they’re the main things driving the relationship, it probably won’t last. Shared sentiments, commonalities and compatibility are needed to sustain a happy relationship.

And besides the “big” things, also look to the little things about them . . . nuances that come from deep love that you may be tempted to overlook in favor of the big things. [More about this below.]

Be pragmatic. Go back to the “targeting” work you should have done on your core values, life style, personal attributes/character qualities, etc. Are you and your potential partner in sync on all, or most, of your important criteria?

How science explains romantic love

If you’ve ever been in love, you know that overpowering feeling of euphoria that can make us do all kinds of things we would otherwise not do.

Studies have been done on people in those heady early days of infatuation. Results show that new love has a significant impact on our brains.

“Experts define ‘romantic love’ as a connection deeper than lust, but distinct from the attachment associated with a long-term partnership. In a few of the small studies that have examined this googly-eyed state, researchers put people in the early stages of a romantic relationship (typically less than a year) in M.R.I. scanners to see what was happening in their brains while they looked at pictures of their paramours.

They found that the participants showed increased activity in areas of the brain that are rich in the neurochemical dopamine and control feelings of wanting and desire. These regions are also activated by drugs like cocaine, leading some experts to liken love to a sort of ‘natural addiction’.”

No wonder so many popular songs point to the addictive nature of new love.

According to Helen Fisher, a senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University:

“Romantic love does not emanate from your cerebral cortex, where you do your thinking; it does not emanate from the brain regions in the middle of your head, linked with the limbic areas, linked with emotions. It’s based in the brain regions linked with drive, with focus, with motivation.”

All of this explains why, when love is new, we can’t get enough of them. We want to be with them as much as possible. We actually crave it.

You know the saying “Love is blind”. The state we’re in with new-found love can also make us not see major faults in our new partner.

That’s because the brain chemistry happening when we’re with our new love, or even thinking about them, has little to do with the prefrontal cortex of the brain that regulates decision-making.

True love sometimes comes with the look of love.

Remember that dreamy Bacharach/David song “The Look of Love“, popular in the late 1960’s? Have a listen while you read.

The look of love is a real thing, and I was lucky enough to experience it with both Sam and Cosmo.

It’s a penetrating gaze. I describe it as a mix of love, satisfaction and appreciation . . . and with these characteristics:

• It’s not lascivious, like the leer or ogle you get from a player or classic charmer (aka a narcissist).
• It’s as if she or he is looking deep into your soul and wants to linger there.
• The look is unwavering, and always includes a smile and/or expression of contentment. She/He’s feeling really lucky to have found you.
• Sometimes it creeps up on you. Your attention will be elsewhere, then you look towards her/him and realize she/he’s been looking at you for some time, silently adoring and admiring you.
• The look instantly elates, and may make you shiver. You feel it at your core, but it’s also calming and gentle.
• The feeling is unmistakably love. You can’t help but reciprocate. You’re as grateful as she/he is that you found each other.

What long-term true-love couples have experienced can happen to you, too.

Randi Gunther Ph.D., a couple’s therapist for 40 years, said in a Psychology Today article:

“Some people experience clearly magical connections very early on in a relationship that predict long-term commitment and devotion.”

She asked long-lasting true-love couples what they remember about their first meeting. They all had these 9 similar experiences that told them they’d found the right one:

1. Surprise

Something felt different when they first met each other. It was hard to pinpoint exactly what that was, but looking back they all felt they instantly fell in love.

2. Intrigue

Beyond physical attraction, they were intrigued by the other’s moves, or the sound of their voice, or some other physical characteristic. They wanted to keep the connection and momentum going.

3. Timelessness

They noticed that time and concerns about correct timing (when to make a move, when to move on to the next step, etc.) never came into play. Instead, time stood still.

4. Quickened

Dr. Gunther said, “The sense of being alive is felt simultaneously and in every cell in the body. The heart feels as if it is opening, the mind is engaged, the senses are awakened, and a feeling of transcendence often emerges.

5. Fear

That apprehensive feeling or worry that they may be hurt or disappointed felt different. Dr. Gunther said it’s “like being on the edge of a cliff and wondering if they could fly. They just could not give up the chance to hold on to what they were experiencing, no matter what happened.”

6. Certainty

More than a mutual attraction, she said they felt “almost immediately grounded, quiet, and serious, totally convicted that they would end up together.”

7. Authenticity

They didn’t want to hold back being truly themselves, as they had with other potential partners. She said they “almost immediately felt the desire to confess and share everything about themselves, whether negative or positive. They felt immediately courageous, wanting to know and be known, no matter what the outcome.”

8. Synergy

More than compatibility, she said “they are more than the sum of their individual parts. They become, in each other’s presence, more than either of them could have ever become alone or with anyone else.”

9. Home

Dating can make you feel transient, like you don’t know where you’re going, like you’re traveling in a foreign world. With a string of dates that don’t hit the mark, there are so many disappointments and the feeling you’ll never find “the one”.

But a man in one of her true-love couples said “The more time I spent with her, the more I started to feel this incredible feeling of peace. My troubles seemed suddenly lighter and my dreams seemed more and more possible.”

The list above hits home with both Cosmo and me. We experienced most of these things on our first date.

Here’s an important lesson I learned about relationships that will help you.

Through my relationships with Sam, and now Cosmo, I learned something very important: Things are easy between you when you’ve found your ideal partner.

• You feel light and happy when you’re together.
• Communicating is not a chore.
• You enjoy simply sitting quietly with each other.
• You feel joyful just being together, no matter what you’re doing.

These may seem like little, inconsequential things, but they matter so much. Think how much better your life would be, if you had someone beside you who you really loved being with all the time, or at least the majority of the time.

The outside world can be difficult, and pose many challenges. You need someone to be united and strong with to shield each other against the tough stuff.

Your relationship should be a safe, warm place . . . and if it’s true love, you’ll feel these things right away.

You may have given up on finding true love. You may be willing to settle for someone you’re not that crazy about. Or you may be willing to settle for just companionship.

There’s nothing wrong with either of those things, as long as you both feel the same way, and neither of you comes to regret settling. But how can you guarantee that?

But I hope you don’t give up on finding true love, especially if you’ve never experienced it.