Women and Alcohol: A Toxic Cocktail For Dating and Life

I’ve been reading some alarming statistics about women and alcohol.

Women’s alcohol consumption has increased so much that we’re close to running even with men, when it comes to the percentage of us dependent on alcohol.

According to the NY Times:

“A study in JAMA Network Open in 2020 found that the days in which women drank excessively (defined as four or more drinks in a few hours) increased by 41 percent during lockdown.

Another report, from RTI International for the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, said that mothers with children under 5 increased their drinking by more than 300 percent during the pandemic.”

For sure, during the pandemic drinking alcohol to deal with any kind of stress or problems became more normalized. But the rise in alcohol abuse by women didn’t just happen since the pandemic.

“From 2001 to 2013, there was a 58 percent increase in women’s heavy drinking and an 84 percent increase in alcohol-use disorder. It has an effect on every part of life — from parenting to health care to the economy.

American alcohol consumption began to rise generally in the 1990s, with women posting some of the highest increases.

One reason is that alcohol producers saw a lucrative target. Since up to 85 percent of consumer purchases are made by women, women-focused marketing was a smart move. It was also the late 1990s when the television show “Sex and the City” appeared, making cosmopolitans with friends a symbol of fun and sophistication.”

Women and Alcohol: A Toxic Cocktail For Dating and Life

Click on any link below to go directly to that section:

The Tobacco Industry Led the Way for the Alcohol Industry to Lure Women

Alcohol Means “Good Times” To So Many People

Alcohol Is More Detrimental to Women Than Men

Women, Alcohol and Dating

Do You Think You May Be Addicted to Alcohol?

5 Ways Addiction Can Sabotage Your Dating Success

Wait About a Year into Recovery Before Starting to Date

How to End the Women-and-Alcohol Cycle of Abuse

The Tobacco Industry Led the Way for the Alcohol Industry to Lure Women

Another NY Times article explains how the tobacco industry’s marketing approach towards women led the way for the alcohol industry:

“The inspiration for alcohol’s marketing approach with women came from the tobacco industry, which wooed women by tapping into their desire for equality. In 1929, a time when it was taboo for women to smoke in public, marketers hired women to smoke their “torches of freedom” while protesting inequality in an Easter Sunday parade. By the 1960s, Virginia Slims started its influential campaign, “You’ve come a long way, baby.”

In ads, women were pictured, impeccably dressed and oozing self confidence, cigarette in hand. These liberated women were contrasted by images of their sepia-toned forebears who had to sneak cigarettes and risked being punished by their husbands for taking a drag.

Alcohol ads have gone the same way by aligning the product with female liberation and sophistication.

Alcohol companies began expanding their range of products. The push began with wine coolers in the 1980s and continued in the 1990s when alcopops — sweet and fruity alcoholic beverages — came onto the market.”

Women have been conditioned to think of alcohol use as empowerment.

We came to be defined by what we drink and how we drink it. The alcohol industry is well aware of this and uses it in their advertising.

Alcohol Means “Good Times” To So Many People

It’s no wonder that alcohol abuse is so prevalent. We’ve been made to feel that we need alcohol to feel good or improve our lives. It’s promoted as the perfect response to everything.

It’s become ingrained in us that we can’t have a good time without some kind of alcohol in the picture.

There’s a prevalent notion that you can’t really celebrate New Year’s Eve or other big holidays without liquor.

Celebrities influence us to drink. Have you noticed how many have their own liquor brands?

• Matthew McConaughey has a bourbon brand
• George Clooney has a tequila brand
• Kate Hudson has a vodka brand

When a celebrity we like and admire endorses a product, we’re much more likely to feel we have to have it, too.

In my opinion, their advertising and marketing campaigns irresponsibly promote excessive alcohol consumption.

We get bombarded on all sides that we need to turn to alcohol for all kinds of reasons, in good times and bad . . . when we’re stressed, when we gather with friends, when we’re dating, or just because it’s the cocktail hour.

With all the fanfare, it may be easy to overlook the fact that alcohol (especially hard liquor) is ethanol, a toxic substance.

The American Cancer Society now recognizes this fact and has changed their recommendation on alcohol consumption. Their guidelines state “it is best not to drink alcohol”.

Alcohol Is More Detrimental to Women Than Men

Women with the same drinking patterns as men are at greater risk of developing psychological and physical health problems.

Addiction specialist Adi Jaffe Ph.D. notes 5 reasons why alcohol problems pose a greater risk to women:

1. Women tend to progress more quickly from using an addictive substance to dependence. The window for prevention or addressing the problem earlier is smaller compared with men.

2. Long-term alcohol abuse or binge-drinking takes a greater toll on women’s health compared with men. That’s because women absorb alcohol into the bloodstream more quickly, and since their bodies contain less water and more fatty tissue than men, there is greater exposure for harm to a woman’s body.

3. That means brain atrophy and liver damage occur more quickly in women than in men. Women with chronic alcohol addiction can develop anemia, hypertension and other physical health problems much quicker than men with alcohol use.

4. Women with an alcohol use disorder are more likely to die from alcohol-related death than men with such a disorder.

5. Women who are dependent on alcohol are more at risk for developing cancer than men, in particular, digestive-tract cancers and breast cancer.

Alcohol is bad for your liver . . . but that’s not all.

According to substance abuse specialists Jonathan Avery, MD, and Joseph Avery, JD, MA:

“Excessive alcohol use can cause a myriad of health issues; over 48% of all deaths from liver cirrhosis are linked to alcohol-related liver disease. Other medical consequences of heavy alcohol use include heart disease, stroke, and certain cancers. Psychiatric consequences of unhealthy alcohol use are also pervasive, including depression, anxiety, accelerated memory problems, and risk of dementia.

In fact, women with unhealthy alcohol use have higher rates of psychiatric illness, notably mood and anxiety disorders, compared to men. Often psychiatric disorders precede alcohol use, suggesting that alcohol may be serving as a form of “treatment” or self-medication for people with anxiety or depression.

A Danish study showed that any type of psychiatric illness, including mood and personality disorders, was more likely to be present in women averaging greater than three drinks per day compared to non-drinkers. Women in substance abuse treatment also have higher rates of lifetime physical, emotional, and/or sexual abuse and trauma compared to men. Co-occurring alcohol use disorder and psychiatric illness may impede treatment for both conditions.”

Here’s one more thing alcohol damages.

You may not be aware of this, but bone loss is another one of the many ways alcohol negatively affects women.

That means osteoporosis, brittle bones, broken hips.

That also means depletion of bone in your teeth.

I had no idea about this until I went to the dentist and x-rays showed that I have 30% bone loss in my teeth. I can directly attribute this to being a heavy drinker for many years.

I quit drinking in 2006 and that put a stop to my bone loss. But the damage is done.

Women, Alcohol and Dating

For a long time, alcohol has been in the mix with dating.

• People often go to bars to meet people to date.
• First dates often include a drink, or two, or more to loosen you up and ease the first date jitters.
• Sometimes first dates include a drink or two BEFORE going on the date.
• Dining out with someone special often means cocktails and wine.

Aside from the illnesses associated with alcohol use mentioned earlier, it also leads to poor decision making.

Even slight intoxication can loosen you up enough to think it’s a good idea to put aside your plan to date someone for a few months before having sex with them.

Or it can make you let down your guard in other ways that may put you or others in harm’s way. (More about this below.)

Do You Think You May Be Addicted to Alcohol?

Over the years, you may have questioned whether you have a problem with alcohol or other drugs.

Take a close look at the 6 signs that you’re addicted to something, outlined in a Psychology Today article:

1. Importance – How important has it become to your sense of self and the way you live your life?
2. Reward response – Does doing it make you feel better, more in control? Does not doing it make you feel worse?
3. Prevalence – Do you find yourself doing it more often and for longer periods of time than you originally planned?
4. Cessation – Do you feel anxious or uncomfortable if you cannot do it or if you just think about not doing it?
5. Disruption – Has doing it disrupted your life and your relationships?
6. Reverting – Do you often say to yourself you’re going to do something different but then turn around and keep doing the same thing—or doing it even more?

If these signs ring true for you, you need to get a handle on your substance abuse . . . before you even consider diving into the dating pool. Take care of yourself first.

If you already know you’re an addict, don’t bring someone into your life and subject them to all the muck that goes with addiction. Clean up first. Make that your top priority.

5 Ways Addiction Can Sabotage Your Dating Success

Addiction has many ways of sabotaging relationships through harm done to others and to self. Here are at least five ways Cosmo says that happens.

1. Secrecy and lies

There’s a lot of shame and guilt attached to addictive behavior. Acting in fear (of being found out, of being judged, of being forced to quit their addiction) active addicts cover their tracks about money, why they’re acting strangely, who they’re with, or what they’re doing.

Naturally this leads to problems with trust. You can’t have a good relationship when your partner is suspicious of everything you do.

2. Anger and/or abuse

Many substances increase feelings of anger in the user, especially if they already have problems dealing with anger. They then tend to lash out emotionally and often physically.

3. Addiction damages your children emotionally

Children of an addicted household learn their behaviors and life skills from dysfunctional, addictive behaviors of the parents.

A disease affects all those who have a relationship with the addict. These relationships are typically codependent. This means the non-addict focuses on the addict to control their addiction for them. In turn, the non-addict takes on guilt, shame, and blame that truly belong to the addict. That’s one form of codependency.

4. Finances

There is a tendency to lose jobs because of the behaviors associated with addictions. Practicing addicts make terrible employees.

5. High risk of illness, death, or arrest

Death, jails, and institutions—these are the inevitable outcomes to an un-checked addiction to alcohol or drugs. You hear this in AA all the time.

Our advice: Avoid alcohol on dates, especially on the first few dates with someone, before you get to know and trust them.

Wait About a Year into Recovery Before Starting to Date

If you’ve cleaned up your act, and you’re in recovery, understand that it takes time for alcohol to leave your system, and for you to begin being physically and psychologically healthy.

It’s best not to dive into dating early in your recovery.

A US News article quoted psychologist and clinical addiction counselor Anne Lewis:

“The first year of sobriety is fraught with challenging issues. It will be easy for many to find replacement addictions, such as a love addiction, to replace the high the drug or alcohol provided. Many people enjoy the honeymoon phase of relationships, feeling euphoria from the new love, making it more challenging to address issues that underlie the addiction. Typically these underlying issues are related to our negative core beliefs, a difficult thing to uncover when we are viewed as ‘perfect’ by our new partner.”

How to End the Women-and-Alcohol Cycle of Abuse

Alcoholics Anonymous has long been considered THE program to get and stay sober.

But it’s not right for everyone, and it doesn’t work for everyone.

I’m not in AA, but I did go to enough meetings to embrace some of the philosophy and practices.

But the overall program wasn’t right for me. Without going to AA, my sobriety has held since 2006. I’m no less in recovery than people who follow the 12 steps.

It’s been said that, since AA was developed by and for men, it doesn’t necessarily address the different underlying reasons for women’s addiction so it doesn’t always meet the needs of female addicts.

Holly Whitaker, author of “Quit Like a Woman”, has an enlightened take on AA. She’s been in recovery since 2013.

“It’s a framework created in the 1930s by upper-middle-class white Protestant men to help people like them overcome addiction. Its founders believed the root of alcoholism was a mammoth ego resulting from an entitled sense of unquestioned authority.

A.A. was a miracle for those men who, until then, had almost nowhere to turn for help. It was radical in that it was free and it was fueled by an ethos of service. But it grew out of a fundamentalist Christian organization, the Oxford Group, and as a result, it is undergirded by the same belief system that asserts Eve grew from Adam’s rib.

This program, which was designed to break down white male privilege, made sense for the original members: It reminded them that they were not God and encouraged them to humble themselves, to admit their weaknesses, to shut up and listen. Perhaps these were much-needed messages when it came to the program’s original intended audience.

But today’s women don’t need to be broken down or told to be quiet. We need the opposite. I worry that any program that tells us to renounce power that we have never had poses the threat of making us sicker.

They aren’t drinking themselves numb because they are awash in oh-so-much power, or because of some pathological inability to follow rules or humble themselves, or because their outsize egos are running the show, as A.A.’s messaging would suggest. Quite the opposite: They’re drinking because they have so little power, because all they’ve ever done is follow the rules and humble themselves, because their egos have been crushed under a system that reduces their value to subservience, likability and silence.”

My advice: Check out AA and see if it feels like a good fit for you. You have nothing to lose by going to a few meetings. And maybe, like me, you’ll learn some strategies that will be helpful.

If it doesn’t work for you, check out all the resources on the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism site.

You can also find counselors and therapists who specialize in alcohol addiction.

Read more about sober dating over 60.