Cosmo and I haven’t written much about friends with benefits relationships, and how to find and navigate such relationships when you’re over 60.
We typically write about finding true love and romance, with all the bells and whistles, with commitment and with long term expectations.
That’s what we were fortune to find with each other, so that’s what we have experience with.
But not everyone wants the kind of relationship we have.
And we both believe that anything goes between two people, as long as they both fully agree to it, and understand the boundaries.
Many people who are single in their 60’s and beyond have no interest in finding a long-term relationship.
They may thoroughly enjoy being single and possibly living alone, but they miss the intimate physical interaction that typically comes with a long term, committed relationship.
Basically, they want a sexual relationship without any strings.
I’ll offer up some thoughts based on various resources I’ve tapped, but the key going forward is being upfront with people from the get-go about what your wants, needs and expectations are.
Roadblocks you may encounter when looking for friends with benefits
You probably know as well as I do that younger people (even those only a decade or so younger) find the idea of older people having sexual lives distasteful or even cringe-worthy.
And, like me, you’re probably more and more aware of ageism in general the older you get, because it’s rampant and unapologetic.
No wonder ageist attitudes extend to older people’s sexuality. Many younger people don’t want to hear about it or even know it exists.
And you may not be comfortable talking about this with friends or family your own age.
So this may be something you feel you have to keep to yourself, which is unfortunate because talking about things is always beneficial.
And, if you can’t talk to the people closest to you about friends with benefits, how will you find them and work out such a relationship?
This article will help you.
Are you sure it’s friends with benefits you’re after?
Although kind of a loose term, friends with benefits contains the word “friends”, so it leans more towards a sexual relationship with someone that includes a strong friendship.
That could also include:
- Getting to know that person’s family and friends,
- Going on dates regularly,
- Traveling together,
- Possibly living together,
- Helping them around their house, and
- Taking care of them when they’re ill or disabled.
Then there are one-time hook-ups or booty calls, which may or may not include the items above.
Somewhere in between hook-ups/booty calls and friends with benefits is what sexpert Joan Price calls “date mates“:
A sexual partner who is more than a playmate, more than a FWB (friend with benefits), but not a committed, in-love-with partner — somewhere between dating and mating, with plenty of lust.
This all points to the imperative that you decide ahead of time what exactly you want and what the boundaries are, and communicate that to potential partners early in the game.
Where to find over 60 friends with benefits
There are many online dating sites that cater to older singles looking for anything from love and a committed relationship to one-night hook-ups.
When you fill out a profile, you’ll probably be given options to check off about what type of relationship you’re interested in.
If the site hasn’t built in these options, make note of what you want in one of the narrative sections that prompts you to write about yourself.
For traditional dating, check out our robust list of 44 Places Where You Can Meet Singles Over 60, for some real-life places to go.
And here are some specific suggestions on finding a friends with benefits partner from psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb:
“You can go to MeetUp.org and meet new people while doing activities you enjoy—some are specifically for singles and certain age groups. You can take dance lessons (where, presumably, you’ll meet dance partners who could turn into something more), join a tennis or golf group, or take up a hobby or new interest that exposes you to people outside your immediate circle.
There are also travel groups and cruises for mature singles, which tend to be very social. And if at some point you want to make a change in your living arrangements, you might consider a vibrant retirement community where, contrary to cultural assumptions, many people find casual sexual partners.
Finally, let your friends know that you’d like some companionship. This way, as they encounter other singles, they’ll have you on their mind for an introduction. You might also reach out to old friends or former lovers who are single, even if they live in a different city (perhaps that’s preferable?), and go pay a visit.”
Cautions about friends with benefits
No matter your age, and no matter that you’ve both agreed to a purely physical relationship with no strings, one or both of you may start feeling more for the other person.
Sometimes chemistry is at work. Sexual activity of any kind can cause oxytocin, the so-called love hormone, to surge throughout your body.
“Oxytocin has been called “the cuddle hormone” or “the love hormone” due to its association with pair bonding. It appears to help reinforce the early attachment between mothers and their infants, as well as the bonds between romantic partners. And scientists have reported increases in oxytocin levels following orgasm in humans.”
When oxytocin is stimulated and coursing through you, you feel like you love that person. You may be more susceptible to catfishing in which, according to Psychology Today:
“Scammers create a fictitious online social media identity and use it to cozy up to a victim with the goal of gleaning money or personal information from them.”
Think about this. A friends with benefits situation means you may have just met this person and don’t really know much about their character, but you’re having sex with them.
You haven’t taken the time to vet them and determine whether you can trust their intentions.
But the love hormone has taken over and instead of minding the boundaries you’ve both set, you’re feeling intense love for that person, which can override your good decision-making qualities.
You may find yourself falling prey to someone whose intention all along was to harm you or scam you in some way, perhaps out of money.
This can happen whether you met the person on an online dating app like eharmony, our readers favorite site, or through someone you know.
Some say this happens more to women than men, but I’m not so sure about that.
There are plenty of men who are so strongly attracted to a woman they’re having sex with, that they’ll do anything for them without question, even if it’s to their own detriment.
One last caution about friends with benefits
Let’s say you’ve worked out all the details with someone who fits the bill for what you want in this modern kind of relationship.
You still need to be very careful about sexually transmitted diseases (STD’s). Just because you no longer have to worry about pregnancy (unless you’re a man hooking up with a younger woman), that doesn’t mean there are no worries.
Did you know that boomers are the most rapidly growing group with STDs?
According to the Centers for Disease Control, all kinds of Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) are on the rise for 55+ people in the U.S.
Can you guess why?
Probably because, without the risk of pregnancy, too many mature men and women don’t use condoms. They forget that STDs are still a distinct possibility.
What about condoms for mature daters? Do they need them?
According to Psychology Today:
“Public health authorities insist they do. As 50 has become the new 30, older adults’ STI rates have risen. Since 2005, risk of syphilis among older adults has jumped 67 percent, chlamydia 40 percent, which is why health officials recommend condoms every time for everyone who dates until both lovers test STI-free and pledge monogamy.”
And, to be really safe, some couples will use condoms for a time in the beginning, even if both people’s tests come out clean.
Clearly, to be completely safe, you both need to get tested before having sex.
My advice: When you’re looking for a friends with benefits or hook-up/booty call relationship, think about taking it slow. Play it safe, be careful and guard your heart.
For more about this hot topic, check out my article, Sex and Women Over 60: What Do Women Really Want and Need?