It’s difficult to determine just when the third date rule became a thing.
It was popularized on “Sex and the City”, but was probably around before that.
Somehow date number 3 is synonymous with having sex. This seems to be true for many people, of all ages.
We hear it on TV shows, in the movies, and on social media.
The thinking seems to be that you should find out early in the game whether or not you’re sexually compatible.
That there’s something wrong with one or both of you if you’ve had a third date and haven’t had sex yet.
But does this apply to those of us who are seniors?
Should seniors follow the third date rule?
We’re supposedly mature now. Many of us had our share of meaningless sex without emotional intimacy in our younger days and found it less than satisfying.
One woman who returned to dating in her late 50’s, explained her thoughts on the matter, after some younger women friends told her it’s “normal” to have sex on the third date:
“Perhaps people have lost the ability to connect on a personal level because most of their communication takes place via texts and the internet and out of a longing or desperation for that connection, sex is the quickest, easiest substitute. Or perhaps leaping into bed in a heartbeat is a reflection of our impatient culture’s need for instant gratification. Whatever the reason, without the foundation of a loving relationship, sex is a bad idea.
This body may not be as firm, thin and shapely as it was a few babies and a lot of years ago but it’s the most intimate and personal gift I can give. I’m only going to give it to someone who deserves, respects and appreciates it (wrinkles, droopy bits and all). There needs to be a good connection mentally, emotionally and most importantly spiritually first, and if those go well then the physical side should fall into place quite deliciously – or at least with a level of love, familiarity and comfort that would make it easy to teach and learn what works.”
It’s hard to imagine that people who are truly looking for a long term, committed relationship would go for this, or would compel others to follow the third date rule.
When should seniors (or anyone dating) have sex for the first time?
I’ve written here on the blog several times about when to have sex for the first time, and I’ve included my own story about it with Cosmo.
In case you don’t have time to read the article above, he and I decided to wait until we’d been dating, and seeing each other frequently, for 3 months. We were both in our 60’s.
As I noted in the article:
Some people think of the first few months of dating as a probationary period, much like when you start a new job.
Both you and the employer use the first several months to decide whether you have a mutual good fit. Is the employer happy with you and are you happy with them?
Similarly when you’re dating, you need a few months of seeing each other regularly to know whether you share the same values and to assess other important aspects of a serious relationship.
When you’ve only known someone for a few weeks or so, you’re unlikely to see any of their shortcomings, which we all have. And it may be difficult to see if they have any of the deal breakers you’ve promised your self you won’t accept.
Once you’ve known someone for several months, you have the insight needed to decide whether or not those shortcomings matter.
If you have sex early on (and you’re looking for a committed, serious relationship), your decision making is too much driven by physical attraction and too little driven by critical thinking.
Great sex by itself or with little else holding the relationship together, rarely if ever leads to a sustainable, healthy relationship.
Cosmo and I both felt that having sex was a big step, not to be taken lightly.
As you can imagine, 3 months is much longer than it would take most people to get to date number 3.
I’ve also written about what women want and need in a sexual relationship.
Keep this in mind . . .
Here’s something for both men and women to keep in mind, from gynecologist Dr. Jen Gunter:
“We rarely talk openly about what’s required for a woman to have a good sexual experience, and so many heterosexual women learn the mechanics of sex and female orgasms from movies (most of which are written, directed and produced by … men). What I like to call the three-strokes-of-penetration-bite-your-lip-arch-the-back-and-moan routine.”
Any man looking for a serious relationship with a woman should understand the realities of women’s sexuality.
Ken Solin, a dating expert for AARP, wrote about his experiences as a man over 50 in the dating game:
“Countless online posts by boomer women complain of men who demand sex on the second date, and sometimes on the first. I’ve come to sympathize with them: Devaluing the goal of getting to know someone first strikes me as both dismissive and disrespectful.
Indeed, men (and women!) who still believe that casual sex is cool simply puzzle me. An emotional bond enhances both partners’ sense of safety, confidence and desirability. Midlife sex with a stranger, by contrast, seems more like masturbating. Where’s the love in that?”
Have a plan you both agree on
Let’s break down some of the problems with the so-called “third-date rule”:
If you have sex on the third date, you may not have enough time to both get tested for STDs and get the results.
Relationships change once you’ve had sex. Oxytocin, the sex or feel-good hormone, really kicks in and can create a physiological attachment between you two that wasn’t there as strongly in dates number 1 and 2.
That attachment can make either or both of you do reckless things you wouldn’t otherwise do.
And pressure to adhere to the third date rule can cause considerable emotional stress, if one or both of you is not really ready.
For many people (of all ages), having sex with a new partner for the first time is a momentous step, but perhaps more so for those of us over 60.
As I said, I don’t know when the third date rule started, but I don’t recall hearing about it when I was dating in my younger days.
I don’t believe it was there, hanging over us, in the 1970’s and 1980’s.
It’s not that we’re prudish. I’d like to think that we’re wiser and more cautious.
If the goal is a lasting, committed relationship, it’s wise for every new couple to reach an agreement about sex . . . before actually hopping into bed.
Work out the details, set a timeframe and stick to it.