Addiction and dating are almost always a disastrous mix that will keep you from finding true love and a lasting, meaningful relationship.
Whether you’re an addict yourself, or think you may be one, or addicted to dating people who are addicts, this can be a big problem.
Active alcoholics and other drug addicts are not good candidates for serious relationships. Feeding the addiction(s) is an every day necessity, the top priority. There’s not room in their thoughts or psyche for much beyond the substance. They’re not capable of giving and receiving love, as long as they’re addicted.
They use alcohol and/or drugs to mask deep-seated personal issues, which they’re not capable of resolving while they’re actively using.
The substance controls and drives every aspect of their lives.
“I think I might be an addict.”
Over the years, you may have questioned whether you have a problem with alcohol or other drugs.
Take a close look at the 6 signs that you’re addicted to something, outlined in a Psychology Today article by Gregory L. Jantz Ph.D.:
1. Importance
How important has it become to your sense of self and the way you live your life?
2. Reward response
Does doing it make you feel better, more in control? Does not doing it make you feel worse?
3. Prevalence
Do you find yourself doing it more often and for longer periods of time than you originally planned?
4. Cessation
Do you feel anxious or uncomfortable if you cannot do it or if you just think about not doing it?
5. Disruption
Has doing it disrupted your life and your relationships?
6. Reverting
Do you often say to yourself you’re going to do something different but then turn around and keep doing the same thing—or doing it even more?
If these signs ring true for you, you need to get a handle on your substance abuse . . . before you even consider diving into the dating pool. Take care of yourself first.
If you already know you’re an addict, don’t bring someone into your life and subject them to all the muck that goes with addiction. Clean up first. Make that your top priority.
“I’m sober now and ready for love.”
Once you’re sober, most addiction experts advise taking a dating timeout for the first year of recovery.
A US News article quoted psychologist and clinical addiction counselor Anne Lewis:
“The first year of sobriety is fraught with challenging issues. It will be easy for many to find replacement addictions, such as a love addiction, to replace the high the drug or alcohol provided. Many people enjoy the honeymoon phase of relationships, feeling euphoria from the new love, making it more challenging to address issues that underlie the addiction. Typically these underlying issues are related to our negative core beliefs, a difficult thing to uncover when we are viewed as ‘perfect’ by our new partner.”
“How will I know if I’m dating an addict?”
Be careful not to get mixed up with an active alcoholic or drug addict – prescription drugs or otherwise.
Some people dismiss the possibility that they could be addicted to prescription medications. We’re all coming to understand these days how pervasive and serious this is.
Within the first few dates with people who seem promising, ask them if they’re taking any medications. You have the right to know. And pay attention to the way they act.
Alcoholics and other drug addicts present in various ways, depending on how long they’ve been using, and what they’ve been using.
Some look and act like the stereotype. They’re pretty easy to spot and stay clear of.
Others, who are considered “high-functioning”, may not appear to have a problem.
To help you determine whether you’re dating a high-functioning addict, look for these 5 telltale signs, outlined in an article on the site Drug Abuse:
1. They Make Excuses for Behaviors
A high-functioning addict may chalk up their drug and alcohol use to being standard behavior in their profession. They may also justify it as a reward for their hard work or career success.
2. Drinking or Doing More Drugs than Intended
Most of us have said “just one drink” and had that one turn into several during a night out. But for the high-functioning addict, this is just a regular occurrence. They simply can’t control their usage.
3. Their Friends Also Have Addiction Issues
Look at who your loved one socializes with. If their friends routinely binge drink or use illegal substances – or if your loved one doesn’t want to socialize unless drugs and alcohol are involved – it’s likely a sign that there is a bigger underlying issue.
4. Appearing Ill in the Morning
A high-functioning addict may chalk up constant headaches or lethargic energy to simple things like “not being a morning person.” But, in truth, he or she could regularly be suffering from hangovers or withdrawal symptoms.
5. Losing Interest in Hobbies
If you notice your loved one has suddenly put down their guitar or stopped playing soccer, it could be because his substance abuse is starting to take over his life.
“But what about dating someone who’s been in recovery for a long time?”
I had been sober for more than 5 years when I first started seriously dating.
I faced discrimination several times from men who, no doubt, still believed those outdated notions of addiction and recovery . . . that we’re hopelessly stuck with a curse hanging over us.
Some men clearly stated in their online dating profiles (sometimes in ALL CAPS) that people in 12-step programs should not reach out to them.
I had a date tell me outright that he was afraid I would relapse, so he said “no thanks” to a date with me.
I’ve also had people tell me that people who don’t drink are no fun. To me, that’s usually a sure sign that they’re heavy drinkers. They often fear the proximity of a non-drinker who may interfere with their own drinking.
Even towards the end of my drinking days, when my consumption was the heaviest, I never found it fun to be around drunken behavior in others.
Somehow you think your own loose, inebriated self is charming. It really isn’t. And, of course, many drinkers turn mean under the influence. For sure, that’s not fun.
Evidence is mounting that even a little alcohol is harmful.
Although the USDA says 2 drinks of alcohol a day for men and one drink for women is safe, there has been evidence for years that no amount of alcohol is safe.
Marissa Esser, who leads the alcohol program at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, says
“There are risks even within these levels, especially for certain types of cancer and some forms of cardiovascular disease.”
You may argue with this and say that you have X number of drinks a day, or a week, and you’re perfectly fine. And that certainly may be true, but you never know just what impact your consumption is having on various parts of your body.
I say all this as a caution to be wary of people who over-indulge or who may have addiction problems, and to take care of yourself by drinking very little or nothing at all.
As we get into our 60’s and beyond, what a dear friend called the “slippery slope to decrepitude” becomes more and more evident.
Health issues, minor and major and sometimes beyond our control, crop up more frequently.
We have enough going on with our bodies at this age without adding the negative impact of alcohol and other drugs to the mix.
And so many of the medications so many seniors are on (statins, blood pressure meds, etc.) warn against drinking alcohol while taking them.
Maybe it just makes sense to give it up in our senior years.
Someone who’s been sober for several years is probably good partner material.
My advice. Don’t run away from people who have embraced sobriety for, say, 5 years or more. You may be passing up the perfect partner.
Fact is, those who have truly turned their lives around from addiction, and have done the necessary introspective work − whether or not they’re in a 12-step program − are likely to be excellent forever partners.
They’ve worked on themselves and have probably gone through therapy to uncover the underlying issues that drove them into addiction.
They know who they are and have made enough bad relationship choices in the past, that they are now good at picking the right people.
As noted in a Psychology Today article by David Sack M.D.:
“Men and women learn a lot in recovery, not just about staying sober but living a happy, satisfying life. They don’t need to be taken care of; they learned how to do that for themselves. Some are deeply spiritual people whose lives are infused with meaning and purpose, while others volunteer in their communities or have interesting hobbies that keep them grounded. Because recovery is a lifelong process, recovering addicts are in a perpetual state of self-improvement.”
I’m not saying you should rush out and look for people who are in recovery to date. There’s no guarantee they’ll be an ideal partner for you.
I do mean that you shouldn’t dismiss people in long-term recovery out of hand. Give it a go with them, and see how things work out.
More About Addiction and Dating Over 60
Women and Alcohol: A Toxic Cocktail For Dating and Life
Dating Someone Who Drinks When You Don’t – 5 Tips from a First Date Gone Wrong
Dating an Addict in Recovery: Mature Dating Advice from Sober Alcoholics
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I wish you great success in the dating game!
At age 50 I met and dated a man who used drugs recreationally. It was a fact that he kept well hidden from me and others. He was an interesting, funny, bright successful guy. We had a lot of happy times together.
When I learned – after a couple of years – about his habits I immediately ended the relationship.
After a few months he contacted me again, apologizing, promising to change, etc.
I told him I was not interested in that lifestyle at all and that we were both too old for this.
However he was persistent and I truly believed he meant to leave his old ways behind. But he never took serious, active steps toward sobriety.
In the end he chose that lifestyle over me and we went our separate ways.
Cut to 10 years later. He has recently had a stroke and is unable to work. I do believe he is still single. I am not sure if he ever fully gave up his lifestyle.
The sad truth about drug abuse – particularly later in life – is that it can lead to serious medical problems.
Don’t date any older many who is not 100% recovered from alcoholism or drug use. They will never have your back. You will perpetually give and get nothing in return. They are devoted to their substance, not their partner.
In any long term relationship there can be health challenges for older partners. It’s normal to help your partner when they are ailing.
For active addicts, you can practically bet on it. It’s best to step away from that type of person. Don’t date them. It will take you nowhere.
Sorry that you had to go through that experience, Freida. But you are 100% on point…active addicts have very little chance of having an authentic, good relationship. If you’re still single and dating, we wish you the best!